Rather than go to one of the Daily Post suggestions today for blog topics, I asked my Twitter army for ideas. I am nothing if not a benevolent leader, and I will grant the requests of the first six that came through to me.
The BCS Championship Game
Patrick asked me to “write about the myth that last night’s BCS championship game was actually a good game. It was atrocious, if you ask me.”
Unfortunately, I wasn’t watching the entire game. I got home in time to turn it on, but spent a good chunk of the game with the volume muted and not paying attention. It was on during the prime hours when I can be on the phone with my lady, due to our long-distance relationship and a two-hour timezone difference.
What I did see, when I was paying attention, was a pair of rhythm offenses that couldn’t find their rhythm after long layoffs since their last games. No one would have predicted that it’d be a 0-0 game after the first quarter. When the second quarter resulted in more scoring, it seemed that both teams were finding their legs. But neither one could keep it together for full drives. There’d be a drive that would result in a crisp, fast touchdown, then two drives that were sloppy.
The fact that the game went down to the wire had me watching until the end, and I found the last few minutes of the game exciting. Back and forth action, controversial (but correct) calls by the officials, and a last-second field goal for the win. At least that much of the game was fun. Certainly more fun than last year’s game, once Colt McCoy was knocked out.
I’m not particularly a college football fan; I’m an NFL guy. I was happy that the few minutes when I focused on the game were exciting. That’s about all I can ask for.
Lynn asked me to “Write about those little fuzzy things that hang off your sweater, but you don’t notice until you get to work. FML.”
Here’s the real problem with those little fuzzy things, Lynn. Every one of those is a piece of your sweater that you can’t replace. It’s not like dead skin cells that are replaced by new skin cells. Every one of those fuzzies is a tiny percentage of your sweater you’re never getting back.
This reminds me of the Office Space / Superman III scheme: Carve off the rounding errors on every transaction, and over time it’ll add up to millions of dollars. You don’t notice each individual fuzzy… but before you know it, your sweater is threadbare and you’re having to buy a new one!
Which brings me to a revelation I had late last night. I was having a little trouble falling asleep, and since I don’t like to count sheep, I was thinking about the odds payouts in craps — no idea why that was the topic for thought. I fixated on the place bets on 4s and 10s, once you reach a $25 buy bet. At $25, a 4 or 10 buy bet will pay out at 49-to-25 — meaning, your $25 bet turns into $49. In practice, this means you toss $1 to the dealer, and you get back $50, instead of the dealer having to count out $49.
If you have a $50 bet, you toss $2 and get paid back $100. All good, so far, right?
Here’s where the casino gets you… If you press that $50 up to $100 and hit the number, you toss then a $5 chip, instead of $4! They’re keeping the $1 change when they pay out your $200 winning! And you don’t think anything of it, because you just raked in two black chips for the price of one red! BASTARDS!!!!
Don’t Mess With The Bull
Patrick also asked, “how about a history of people who have talked shit to Belichick/Brady/the Patriots, as Rex Ryan is trying to do.”
Writing up a history of everyone who’s crossed the Patriots coach and quarterback would take research, and I’m trying to write quickly here.
Here’s the thing. Bill Belichick and Tom Brady do not forget. They hold grudges. They’ll let you flap your gums, wait for you to catch a breath, and then they’ll punch you in the mouth.
And you will bleed. Profusely.
Project Gummi Bear
Annette suggested, “gummi bears!”
For those of you who don’t get the reference, Annette is referring to my now-defunct Tumblr site, Project Gummi Bear. I do miss working on the project sometimes, but not enough to try to revive it. You’d be surprised at how much creative energy it took to pose gummi bears as if they were in famous movie scenes!
These Metrics Reek
If you don’t have ESPN Insider access, I’ll sum up the article. KC Joyner purports that Ben Roethlisberger is as good as Tom Brady, and his evidence is based on three obscure statistics:
- Short Pass Yards Per Attempt
- Vertical Pass Yards Per Attempt
- Bad Decision Percentage
I’m not a “football scientist” like KC Joyner. However, the metrics that he chooses reek.
When I was running technical support teams, I used to say that you could be selective in your metrics in order to support the argument that you’re trying to make. If I want to show that we’re doing a good job, I would present metrics that showed an improvement. If I was fighting for more headcount, I would present metrics that showed we were struggling and needed more investment. I could tell whatever story fit my agenda using metrics.
You want to try to convince me that Ben Roethlisberger is a good quarterback? No need, I’ll be the first to point to his winning percentage and his two Super Bowl rings. Assuming Brett Favre is really, truly done playing, there are only five active quarterbacks in the NFL who’ve won a Super Bowl as a starter: Tom Brady three times, Ben Roethlisberger twice, Peyton and Eli Manning once apiece, and Drew Brees once.
You don’t need to use “Bad Decision Percentage” as a metric. If you do, I’ll suggest three more bad decisions that’ll jack up Roethlisberger’s Bad Decision Percentage:
- Riding a motorcycle without a helmet
- A Lake Tahoe hotel room
- A Milledgeville, Georgia night club
It’s as simple as this. As a quarterback, on the field, I wouldn’t bet money against Roethlisberger… unless he was playing against Tom Brady.
Head Over Heels
Last but not least, Myka requested that I tell “a man’s view of why women try to kill ourselves with heels.”
To put it bluntly, it’s because women love it when a man checks them out as they walk on by. And when you wear high heels, we’re more likely to say what John Travolta said in Face/Off:
“I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.”